Living until you feel alive again - My story of baby loss, grief and healing.
Oct 11, 2023I can remember it like it was yesterday.
We had booked a private pregnancy scan to meet our baby for the first time. I was lying on the plinth and knew something wasn’t right. I could feel the lady's breathing pattern and body language change and she took a while to speak. Then there it was-the sentence no one is ever prepared to hear….‘I’m sorry there is no heartbeat.'
I was in disbelief and shock. Everything felt like it was in slow motion. My heartbeat felt loud in my ears, my breathing was fast and shallow, and my mouth was dry.
This quickly handed over to a feeling of zoning out. A slowing down of my heart rate, a vacant breath, and silence. I felt frozen and numb.
We had gone for the scan when I was 9 and a half weeks pregnant to find out that I had experienced a missed miscarriage and that our baby had died two weeks prior to the scan.
From the moment you find out you are pregnant you are imagining, planning and picturing a life with your baby. And to have it taken away in a moment is utterly heartbreaking.
The grief of this news floored us. We moved through feelings of disbelief, anger, sadness and disconnection. The world felt so unfair, and I felt so vulnerable.
How could the world carry on as normal whilst our world had fallen apart?
Everything felt unsafe and triggering. Suddenly seeing pregnant women, babies, children, scan facilities, hospitals, and anything to do with babies felt like it took my breath away and again I would zone out and remember our reality.
My sleep was poor, I would wake up and not want to get out of bed, my anxiety levels were high, my social interactions were reduced, I felt disconnected from my body, and I had tension headaches and jaw pain.
I felt triggered by comments like ‘at least it was early’,’ it wasn’t meant to be’ and ‘it’s really common’. But it was the silence that hurt the most.
People not knowing what to say and not having people to open up to who had been through similar experiences. Feeling lost and alone whilst grieving makes it feel even more isolating.
“You will feel better than this, maybe not now, but you will. You must live each day until you feel alive again”- Call the midwife.
And so, we did. We moved forward with our grief learning ways to hold ourselves and each other whilst finding ways to honour and remember our baby. We decided to try for another baby 8 months later and sadly experienced an ectopic pregnancy. Again, our world fell apart, and we slowly pieced it back together.
The aftercare following both of our losses consisted of well wishes and a leaflet leaving us feeling lost and alone.
I needed a safe place to share my feelings with others who understood. I needed some tools to reduce and manage my anxiety, improve my sleep, reduce pain and tension and bring me back into connection with my body and be able to interact with the world again.
I quickly became aware of other women needing the same support following loss. There needed to be guidance that was sensitive to our needs and understanding of our situation. Support to press play on at any time of day or night when it all felt too much and you couldn't sleep. A friendly face to help you to breathe and feel safe when you feel anxious. And someone to remind you that you were not alone when you feel lost and isolated.
A few years earlier, in 2020, following the traumatic birth of my oldest daughter I had teamed up with Michelle (a Women's Health Physiotherapist) to create an online support platform for mothers (FLY Mama). This incredible community of mothers shared their stories, some of which also sadly included perinatal trauma and loss. As we listened to theirs and that of our private clients we soon realised that something was missing in the care provided following perinatal loss, and we had to do something. So we created FLY Mama Perinatal Trauma and Loss Support Programs.
I am grateful and happy to share that 4 months after our eptopic pregnancy my husband and I were pregnant with our fourth baby and we had our rainbow baby 6 months ago.
To anyone reading this who has experienced baby loss we are so sorry for your loss. We see you and we are sending you so much love and support. Remember that you are not alone and that there is no time frame to your healing.
Take it one breath at a time, one day at a time and do your best to keep living until you feel alive again.
Lots of love
Kelly x
Co-founder of FLY Mama-Perinatal Trauma and Loss
FLY Mama Perinatal Trauma and Loss is an online platform which supports your physical, mental, and emotional well-being following trauma and loss. We are here for you throughout all stages of your pregnancy and postpartum journey. For more information and support visit https://www.flymama.co.uk/perinatal-trauma-and-loss
Throughout October FLY Mama would like to offer you a month’s free membership to any of their trauma-informed support bundles using the code FM_BLA.
I have attached a class that can be found on our bundles to help support you.
Soothing holds for safety, grounding and connection
My intention for this class is to teach you some simple yet effective nervous system regulation techniques which will hopefully feel grounding and relaxing. Take your time and notice how they make you fee;. I am sat doing them with you-I hope that this makes you feel less alone in your grief and that it provides some support and a sense of receiving a big loving hug. Sending you so much love. Kel x
